shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
