I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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