Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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