so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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