I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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