Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
