Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
