When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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