Moan for me like Helen Keller
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
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