How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize