Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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