I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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