You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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