Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize