you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
