she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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