it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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