So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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