All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You can't just leave with hair like that
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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