Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
