The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
