Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
