I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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