Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
