woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
