She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
