I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
