Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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