Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
