then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
