Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
