My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
