Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
