Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
