So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Found the puke drawer
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize