I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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