zippers are such a cool invention
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
