If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
