my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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