I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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