dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
