Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's rum buckets o'clock
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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