it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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