shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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