if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
