Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
