I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
