everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
