If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
