i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
