can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
