Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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