This is not my ceiling
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
