Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
