You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
