She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
