I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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