I will die if light touches me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
