In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
