then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
