I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
