Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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