Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
