he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
